i’m lonely and i’m forcing myself to be okay with it

Exactly like the title of this post says, I’ve been feeling lonely lately, but I’m forcing myself to be okay with it.

Aside from the fact that I can’t just magically fix my loneliness problem even if I wanted to, a friend told me something that really resonated with me in a weird roundabout way a few days ago. But as a preface, I’ve sort of, on-and-off liked this guy for the past two months or so. It’s weird, I know. Anyway, he’s really nice guy all around, in every respect that you could possibly imagine from that sole description. He’s nice to literally everyone that he interacts with (including people I don’t like, which actually just makes him all that more attractive personality-wise), he’s smart, quieter, and hard to read (three things which apparently construct my “type” from past experiences), and he also just makes a legitimate effort in all of his relationships, which is so huge for me. We hang out on an almost daily basis, and oh, he’s also one of the very few people who will actually text me to find out where I am and then tell me to come sit with him, do homework with him, or just sit outside in the sun with him. Basically, he’s really great and I need to stop going on about him.

Oh, slight problem. I’m still pretty sure he’s straight, but I also can’t be completely totally sure

This all adds up to my whole sort of, on-and-off attraction to him. Some days I just really wish we were a thing, but some days I’m just very content with our friendship and can’t really think of it going anywhere else.

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w i s t f u l

Not to post something really melancholy again, but the whole situation surrounding Valentine’s Day got me in a really pensive mood last night, and the way that I always remedy that is by writing. It’s something that I love to do, whether it’s short stories, (attempts at) poems, letters to no one, or just a stream of my consciousness directed onto a page. It always helps me sort through the whirlwind of emotions that I’m constantly bombarded with, and a lot of the time it will give me some perspective on life while also giving me a good chance to just reflect and turn some less ideal situations into more wistful ones, in a good way. Plus, I just really enjoy the act of writing, the sensation of the ink or pencil lead flowing onto the page so smoothly. It’s therapuetic to me.

So that’s what I’ve got for you again today: a piece of writing and a song: